What NOT To Say After You Got Caught Cheating

You’ve been caught in- or confessed to- an affair.  And now, you’re sorry and ready to move forward on saving the relationship.  But there’s a problem: your betrayed partner is devastated.

See, you’ve known about it for a while.  You've had time to adjust to the presence of this other person. You’ve somehow justified or rationalized your actions and/or have grown accustomed to the guilt. Basically, you’ve had time to “process.”  Your spouse or SO on the other hand, has not.  He or she has just had the ground ripped out from underneath their feet.  S/he is in a terrifying free-fall into the bottomless pit of eternal pain and suffering.  S/he is not going to know up from down for a while- a long while- as s/he goes through the unwanted, yet necessary roller-coaster- like stages of grief.

How do you help- or at least avoid causing more damage? That’s a very complex question that certainly can’t be answered in one post.  But I can tell you what certainly NOT to say.  The following statements are commonly assumed (by the betrayer) to be helpful, but are actually not.  Not even close.  In fact, they are quite harmful, and may stall or terminate the healing process.

If you look closely, you may notice that these statements are more about you than about your injured partner.  They are defensive in nature, and used to minimize, rationalize, deflect, and/or otherwise avoid the issue, rather than promote healing.   

A Former Cheater Should Never Say...
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1. “I shouldn’t have told you.”  This screams regret over the betrayed's  knowledge of the indiscretion/s, but not regret over the deed itself.  This statement indicates weariness in dealing with the injured spouse’s feelings (i.e., the consequences of your behavior/s) and you will likely appear to be more interested in your own convenience and comfort than in healing the wounds you’ve caused. Hopefully, this is not a message you want to send. Perhaps the more appropriate phrase would be, “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have done it.  It was wrong and there is no excuse. If I could take it back, I would. How can I show you how sorry I am?”
2. “Get over it.”  Healing from a trauma (yes, it IS a trauma) of this magnitude can take years.  Years.  It’s a zig-zaggy, roller coaster journey through living hell on a path toward eventual healing that may or may not include you. The fact that your spouse has not removed one of your body parts should be duly noted and greatly appreciated. (Please note I’m using hyperbole and not condoning violence.  The fact that I have to give this disclaimer is depressing.)  The reality is, it’s not your timeline.  It’s the injured partner’s timeline. If you are truly sorry for your wrongdoings and for the resultant emotional tsunami, you will be patient and kind for however long it takes. Think of any big natural disaster- hurricane, earthquake, massive fire- what did the aftermath look like?  How long does it take to rebuild?  Now put that in emotional terms. This is what your partner is experiencing. A phrase you might try is, “I’m so sorry.  I know I caused this pain and I am here for as long as it takes to heal and rebuild.  How can I be here for you right now?” (Are you starting to see a pattern in saying “I’m sorry”?  If it’s sincere, you can’t say it enough.)
3. “It just happened.” Honestly, do you really think this is an actual excuse? If you actually believe this, please go call someone for more help right now.  You are possibly delusional. Your pants don’t just happen to fall off.  Your body parts don’t just happen to collide with another person’s body parts. It's not like you tripped and fell into (or on top of) someone else's genitals. Affairs never “just happen.”  Sex never “just happens.” There are a hundred little choices and steps along the way that make it happen.  Instead, acknowledge that you got into the wrong frame of mind, you let boundaries slip, and you allowed the inappropriate relationship to progress.  Admit the flaws in your thinking or feeling: the rationalizations and justifications you used to make the path toward the affair-  and the affair itself - “okay” on some level.
4. “It/ she/ he didn’t mean anything.”  Well, to you maybe.  To your spouse it meant everything. Saying the affair - or the other person- meant "nothing" is the equivalent of saying, “I destroyed our relationship/ marriage/ family and completely broke your heart into a million pieces for nothing.  That’s how much I value you.  I was willing to make that easy trade.”  Oh, and that’s not all.  The “nothing” defense, in the eyes of the betrayed, actually predicts future betrayals.  If you cheat for “nothing,” how will you avoid the slippery slope of falling into temptation next time?  If “nothing” is all it takes, your partner will never feel safe.  Instead (and only if s/he asks), you can explain the selfishness and poor judgement that went into the decision to cross the line.  Insight and awareness as to how and why it happened, and how and why it will never happen again, is helpful for the betrayed, the betrayer and the relationship.

​Basically, it’s not about you right now.  You’ve already had your time making it about you.  That’s what got you into this mess, remember?  Right now, and for a good long while, it is about your partner and his or her healing.  If you are truly remorseful for the pain you've caused, avoiding these ugly statements should be at the top of your list.

Be true to yourself and to others, my friends, - M

photo credit: pixabay
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