The Reluctant Passive-Aggressive

There is a common notion that people who display passive-aggressive tendencies are flawed: afraid of conflict and even afraid of their own negative emotions. They hide behind covert acts of revenge rather than discuss their true feelings with someone. They say “yes” when they mean “no.” They don’t call when they say they will. They block you on social media with no apparent provocation. They make plans- then no show.

They are the “crazy makers.”

But what if they’re not? 

What if their behavior is a learned peace-keeping strategy?  What if their behavior is a survival strategy?

As frustrating as this behavior may be, stay with me for a minute.  What if the passive aggressive friend, co-worker or mate that frustrates you so, has tried direct communication, openness and honesty before, only to be mocked or insulted?  What if s/he has tried to express his/her feelings; to air his/her complaints in a respectful, compassionate manner only to be verbally bulldozed, name called or worse?  What if that person, as a child, was chastised, ridiculed or even beaten when s/he did not agree with or conform to family norms?

Well, this confused and lonely child will do what all confused and lonely children do- try to adapt. 

We have all heard of the child who acts out; who is aggressive and defiant.  These kids get a lot of attention, albeit negative.  They are seen.  They are heard.  They are acknowledged. Plus, their misbehavior serves as an outlet to diffuse the internal angst.

But what about the quiet ones?  Some children who are raised in homes where they receive any variety of devaluing messages may learn to keep quiet.  The risk of speaking up is not worth the cost. The loss of parental (or parental figure) love- or of enduring further rejection- is just too great.  Their adaption style to is to conform, please and/or disappear. 

They are usually the “good” kids and become friendly adults.  But at a great cost. The smile they hide behind is fake.  The pain they feel due to long-term, repeated emotional abuse, rejection and/or abandonment is real.

And the anger can be intense.

But remember, they are not able to show it. Since they subconsciously or consciously know that anger- in any form (confrontation, disagreement, and even their own opinion) is inherently wrong, they engage their (faulty) adaption strategy: smile… agree… acquiesce. 

But their anger isn’t so compliant. Anger needs, no anger demands, release.  Anger buried will find its way out, either by leak or by brute force.  Life, in this case, has facilitated a near-constant leak.  And, leaks look a lot like “passive-aggressive” behavior.

So, what can we do with our PA comrades?

1. Decide if this relationship worth the trouble of saving.  Trying to work on something that is not a true priority can be draining for you.  And, your halfhearted start-and-stop efforts with this person may actually be more harmful for them. Chose wisely.
2. Be a safe person yourself.  Are you the kind of person who pokes fun at others who disagree? (Take a look at your social posts- for example, any “Nazi” or “Snowflake” memes might give you a hint.)  Are you aware of your own emotional blind spots (rejection, abandonment, need for attention) that might get triggered during interactions with the PA person?
3. Model safe, healthy, effective communication. You can’t expect someone to give you what you aren’t willing to give them.  Plus, just be a good example.
4. Do not take their PA behavior personally.  Remind yourself that this is not about you. 
5. Ask the person about a specific behavior without generalizing or blaming.  Saying, “I thought we were supposed to meet at the movies on Friday? Why are you always so passive-aggressive?!?!” is not helpful.  “Hey, I missed you the other day.  I enjoy our time together and want you to feel comfortable speaking to me about any issues that come up,” is.
6. Be patient.  Your magic ninja verbal skills will not instantly change ingrained behaviors.  Your calm, accepting, rational ability to talk, listen and be there, will. 
7. Be consistent.  For a long time.
8. Once you begin to see improvement, expect relapses in the behavior.  This is normal and part of the learning / healing process. 
9. If this is a close, personal relationship, you may want to enlist the help of a qualified professional. Therapists are trained to deal with ineffective coping skills, assertiveness, relationship struggles and trauma recovery.

Take heart, if you have read this far, you are most likely a compassionate type who cares deeply about someone in your life.  This quality will assist you along the way. 

Stay kind and brave, my friends -M

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