Most of us chose our love interest in this way: We find someone attractive, witty and bright (or whatever qualities we find appealing) and we begin to ask this person (in non-direct ways, of course) "Am I good for you?!"
Am I beautiful or handsome? Do you find me funny and intelligent? Am I a good cook / conversationalist / provider...? We put our best foot forward. We try to impress, woo and seduce. We play "Pick me!"
When we could rather be asking, "Are YOU good for ME?" (See this video on codependency and enabling for more info on this subject.)
Specifically: Will you protect my heart? Will you be a good friend as well as a lover? What can I expect on a day-today reality in relationship with you? In effect, should I pick you?
Below are more detailed questions we might not only ask the potential partner directly (their response to the questions themselves will be telling), but ask ourselves in relation to the behaviors and attitudes we see in the potential partner, as well...
Tell me how you know that you are a person of integrity?
What are your core values and how are they played out in your daily life?
How will you protect my investment in you?
How will you remain faithful in your commitment- even during the difficult times?
Are you good for me emotionally, spiritually and physically? In what ways would I be able to experience this as a reality in my life?
How will you challenge me to grow as a person?
Will you pray with me and for me? Tell me about that.
How can I see that you are a good parent (or good parent material) and a healthy role model for my children and/or our future children?
Who are you when no one is looking?
Tell me about a time when you persevered in an impossible situation?
Tell me about a time when you helped another person through a difficult time?
How do you handle conflict, rejection and life's traumas?
What struggles have you overcome and which ones are you still facing?
How have you sufficiently dealt with your baggage to the point where you can be fully present in an adult-to-adult relationship?
How do you handle temptation?
Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 or 20 years? What is your plan to get there?
How do you balance your desires with the desires of those whom you love?
What do you usually do in your free time?
On a scale of 1-10, how important is faith, physical beauty, honesty, education, television, fast food, exercise, money, material possessions, time with extended family, attending religious activities, hosting parties, career advancement, etc.
This getting-to-know-you process may take time. Not everyone is forthcoming with their faults or weaknesses. Often, people are not even aware of their shortcomings, as these are often covered with denial, projection, minimization or rationalization. (All relationship red flags, by the way.)
We may need to slowly get to the new person's habits, quirks, values and blind spots before investing too much of our emotions into the relationship. This goes against our modern-day quick-fix, convenience, slide left or right society. But, it will provide us with less heartache in the long run.
Not everyone is a "good fit" when it comes to romance or long-term commitments. Not everyone will have the ability or desire to be a good mate. How much pain can we avoid if we slow down and take the time to learn this information before we are overly involved with emotions, legalities, marriage, kids, or other commitments?
I wish I knew then what I know now;
Wouldn't dive in; wouldn't bow down.
Gravity hurts; you made it so sweet
Until I woke up - on the concrete.
- Katy Perry, Wide Awake
Choose to love wisely, my friends - M
photo credit: pixabay
topic credit: Toby Rice Drews and John Lee
The Motley Ms.
Hi! My name is Melinda. I'm a saved-by-grace-er, lifelong learner, INFJ, health & fitness trynabe, Mom, #vanlifer, mental health vlogger, and Director & Clinical Supervisor at a Child & Family Therapy Practice in Northern California.
The Motley Ms
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