The 'Anger Stage' is Scary!

I don’t know where they get this “one day at a time” idea because for me it was definitely one breath at a time, one step at a time, one hellish… Moment. At. A. Time.  Sometimes, I could handle life in increments of 15 minute blocks- even longer if I was engaged in something productive like sessions with my peeps, or fanatical reading- but definitely not full days.

It was probably about 2 months in when rage like no other came on me full force.  From my training, I know that “the anger stage” is normal and a healthy part of the healing process.  I know that anger is a way to fight for survival; a mechanism of self-preservation.  And I know that anger can be the force or fuel that pushes a person forward, to future levels of recovery.  (There is that stupid word again.  Recovery.  Blech. )

Anger stage, okay. But this was rage.  The intensity actually scared me. I looked up memes and mean jokes online (that I never reposted).  I wrote horrible, mean, nasty letters (that did not get sent).  I wanted them to hurt the way I hurt.  I wanted God to pay them back 100 times over.  I fantasized of creative ways that their misdeeds could fall back upon them, how “you reap what you sow” would grow into a harvest of flesh eating weeds that would torture and torment them until I was satisfied.

My dreams included physical attacks upon those who caused my pain.  In my dreams, I was vengeful and plotting.  I would laugh when I would carry out my scheme.  I would wake up and wonder if I had somehow turned into a sociopath. 

But the healing nature of those activities was that it allowed my rage a “safe place” to express itself. This meant that I didn’t have to carry its weight for long.  And those dreams were way better than the reliving the trauma ones I had at first.

The anger stage, in varying intensities, lasted a few months.  A bit longer than I would have asked for.  But this whole process is lasting longer than I would have hoped for, so what can I say?  The journey is after all, a journey.  I have to believe that the healing is in that very process, and not necessarily in the destination itself.

Photo credit: Google images.