Reckless Attempts to Dull Pain?

, (Part I here)

Someone had selfishly caused me an enormous amount of emotional pain (why isn’t there a more potent English word than enormous?), and my overactive morality wouldn’t let me indulge in reckless attempts to quench the pain… or get even.  So, I lived with my pain.  I sat with it.  I became uncomfortably acquainted with it. 

And I prayed. A lot.  I prayed whiney prayers like “Whuuuhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” and solemn prayers like, “If this is what it takes to know You more,” and studious prayers like “What are You teaching me in this?” and desperate prayers like “Please make it stop!” and spiritual prayers like “Thy will be done.” 

But the pain persisted.  Unrelenting gut wrenching emotional pain.

So, I read. I read everything related to what I was experiencing. I read through tears.  I read when I couldn’t sleep.  I read when I should have been doing other things like cleaning the house or working. I read everything I could get my hands on, as if I could somehow find emotional healing through intellectual pursuits.  I knew better. I knew that ingesting massive amounts of information wasn’t going to solve my emotional problem. But nevertheless, I tried.

Click!  Light bulb moment. These were my morally acceptable (yet ineffective? time will tell) coping skills- binge prayer and overly-enthusiastic reading.  (Just so you know, I usually experience this kind of Aha! moment from the other side, being a therapist and all… but here it is in all its glory.  Pretty cool, huh? You’re welcome.  And just like therapy office Aha! moments, this was probably obvious to everyone but me.)

Anyway, it was around the six month mark that the tsunami / roller coaster/ living hell began to let up a bit. I wasn’t completely out of the woods, but I had some moments of peace, blips of happiness, and even a few positive thoughts for the future. 
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But there was my brain.  My memory.  This disgusting new knowledge.  And, well, once you know something, you can’t un-know it. Anybody got a light?

Photo credit: Shutterstock

trying to dull pain, coping skills, mental health blog, recovering from emotional trauma

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