There are a lot of people out there who use sex as a substitute for intimacy, just the way someone might drink an extra cup of coffee after some poor quality sleep. That dose of caffeine isn’t the same as a solid eight- but it’ll do.
Some people choose the player lifestyle because they’ve been hurt in previous committed relationship and they aren’t willing to risk their heart again. They are hoping for a safe (to them) connection.
Some people choose it because they want to prove to others- but mostly to themselves- that they are desirable. They want to know that they are considered attractive. They determine their personal worth based on other’s people’s sexual interest in them. They are hoping for validation.
Some people are seeking revenge. They were cheated on, abandoned or given an STD and are now out to get even by using nothing but sexual prowess. They are hoping for justice.
Still others have learned that the only way to get positive attention is through their permissive behavior. They haven’t yet explored other methods of feeling worthwhile and valued. They are hoping for self-worth.
The Eternal Bachelor/ette
And then we have the committed single who doesn’t have interest in the responsibilities of a long-term relationship. (Why this is so, is beyond the scope of this post.) Suffice it to say that this person values freedom over connection. They are hoping for nirvana.
Some of these love ‘em and leave ‘em types know exactly what they’re doing, but most are completely in the dark about their behavior.
Two Worlds Collide
What happens when one type meets another? They create the recipe for ‘wham bam thank you ma’am’ - and the bewilderment and feelings of rejection that follow. You probably have a friend who went too far, too soon and got hurt. Or maybe it was you. If it is, I’m sorry for your pain. I’ve been there myself.
Like any new way of thinking or any new behavior, removing yourself from hook-up culture will take determination. Finding other ways of relating and connecting to other people is a good way to start. Join a club, take a class or volunteer for your favorite cause. Restore or discover your sense of self and well-being. Be true to you and your body! And remember, above all else, guard your heart!
Much love, my friends, M
Image credit: pixabay
hookup culture, easy sex, relationships
The Motley Ms.
Hi! My name is Melinda. I'm a saved-by-grace-er, lifelong learner, INFJ, health & fitness trynabe, Mom, #vanlifer, mental health vlogger, and Director & Clinical Supervisor at a Child & Family Therapy Practice in Northern California.
The Motley Ms
The Therapist's Therapy Blog