I hate to burst your bubble or sound like your grandmother, but the easy hook-up culture has "low self-esteem" written all over it.  And it's hurting you, your future spouse and the success of your potential marriage-  whether you realize it or not.

The scene: a dimly lit, noisy bar. Two beacons in the night... each sending out signals of "make me feel attractive" and "I'll take anyone who shows interest in me"... find their way to one another.  The night's previous beverages have provided them each a handy set of "beer goggles."  Introductions are slurred and barely heard over the DJ's request to get your booty to the dance floor.  Who needs last names anyway?

Both check their phones for new matches. Nope: swipe left. What's in front of me will do.  Back to the intellectual mating call: playfully ordering a Buttery Nipple and a Red Headed Slut.  And so goes the night.

Oh, be still my heart! This sounds just like a Nicholas Sparks novel.  The stuff solid, life-long marriages are made of.  Where are my tissues?

Ah, but I digress.

Maybe you don't have social anxiety.  Maybe you just hate people and would really rather stay at home with a good book or binge watch the eternal quarter-life crisis of Friends.  Again.  And if that is you, I get it.  People can be mean, boring, pretentious, or in general just difficult to tolerate.

And social situations can be complicated.  There's that how-to-dress thing, and that who-to-talk-to thing, and that why-didn't-anyone-tell-me-I-have-spinach-in-my-teeth thing. It's stressful.

But, for those of you who fantasize about lighting up the night and being the life of the party... if it weren't for that paralyzing fear of public humiliation. I'm going to give you some tricks of the trade.  And for what it counts, I'm shy and socially awkward myself.  However, I've been told this is more readily evident in my videos than in my blog posts.  Because I wear a cape when I write. And you can't wear a cape when you are in public. Unless you are going to Comic-Con.  

Anyway, back to you and your crippling fear of social rejection.  I have a few tips that you can try on for size (you know, like a cape) the next time you get a notification for a get-together from one of those annoying naturally social types.

How to Work a Crowd- Or at Least Survive a Party

​1) Thank the anxious part of yourself for caring.  After all, that inner hermit probably just wants to protect you from unforeseen disaster. Like spinach in your teeth. For random example.  It's never happened to me.  I'm just saying that would be really horrible if it did.  But it didn't.

​2) Plan your escape. Before you even click the "I'm going" button, plan how you will handle potential panic moments. For example, you could keep your phone with you.  When you need to leave, look at your phone, make a gently concerned face at it and say, "Excuse me" to anyone who is nearby.  Do not wait for questions or responses from others. Head toward the door immediately.  If you don't want to return, don't.  You had a smooth and purposeful exit.  If you catch your breath and want to rejoin the festivities, just strut back in. If anyone asks about your emergency exit, shrug it off with a nonchalant, "My sister/brother/babysitter/spouse couldn't find the microwave popcorn."  Make it seem like you probably didn't need to take that call in the first place.  And you're really needed by people who call you. This may lead to a discussion about how family members can't do anything for themselves- ugh! (Commiserating is a great for conversation.)

​​6) Use non-creepy eye contact. Eye contact should show interest, not interrogation or spell-casting. I've seen some people go from no eye contact whatsoever to burning a hole in the back of my head in an act of innocent over-correction.  But it's still weird. Don't do it.  Try this instead: Look into their eyes, then move your eyes around slightly and casually.  Glance at their cheek or eyebrow then back to their eyes again.  Look toward some other commotion in the room now and then.  Oh, and try not to make your eyes dart around like you are watching a ping-pong tournament.  And if they have a zit or a mole or something, don't stare at it.  That's rude.  But if they have spinach in their teeth, definitely tell them.  What kind of a monster doesn't tell someone they have spinach in their teeth?

7) Watch your body language. You might do this because you don't know what to do with your body parts, but crossing your arms and putting your hands in your pockets are no-nos. We don't need to discuss jingling your keys in your pocket, do we? Instead, hold a drink in one hand and gently place your other hand on the other side of the cup.  This keeps both hands exposed at all times- and leaves one hand readily available to shake another hand in introduction.

You have a friend or family member who acts a fool.  They hurt your feelings, they walk on your boundaries.  And, sometimes they even blame you for it!  

This is so annoying. What's a human person to do?  Well, now, quit asking me trick questions because you know I can't do therapy on my blog.  But, I can mention some generic coping skills that help in generic situations like these...

- Know your own worth/purpose/value, my friend. You are not someone else's doormat.  It's actually not helpful for you (or for them) to keep getting walked on and/or treated like a giant turd.
- Don't take it personal.  Look, Sister Girl or Brother Guy (we are on a first name basis, so I call you that), if someone is a jerk- that's a clinical term for tromping on your boundaries- that is NOT about you.  They try to make it about you.  It's a trick.  Don't fall for it. 
- While you are practicing knowing your value and not taking things personally, learn how to use your voice.  You don't need a very loud voice or very many words. In fact, yelling or lecturing won't help.  A simple, "That's not okay with me.  Can you try that again?" may suffice. You can come up with your own healthy boundary phrase and put it to good use. You might have to sound like a broken record.  You might have to sound like a broken record.  You might... that was funny. Laugh.
- Be okay with distancing yourself from a person if they don't get with the program.  This is not to cut all ties forever and ever, amen.  It's not to be a bully and threaten them with the loss of the relationship.  It's to protect your heart and send a firm message that you don't tolerate that nonsense.  Are you thinking "Ain't nobody got time for that?" Because I am. And now you are, too. That's the power of the pen- or keyboard. Anyway, the faster they learn this, the better-  for you and them and everyone.  
- And, here's the secret sauce that many other 'dealing with difficult people' blogs, books and videos fail to mention: allow for restoration.  It's not all about enforcing your newly learned healthy boundaries. It's not BoundaryTV- all boundaries, all the time. Geez, relax willya? Seriously, though, there is a time to correct and a time to embrace... or something like that. If someone struggles with demonstrating unacceptable behavior, they most likely also struggle with the opposite: having consistent appropriate interpersonal interactions.  You can model these warm-fuzzy human behaviors to hopefully facilitate a greater frequency of positive behaviors from them.  By the way, I think you should know that when I write the word "model" I usually write it modle then spell check corrects it for me.  But by then I'm already thinking of moodle and noodle.  And that reminds me of rhyming preschool songs which makes me wonder why I write at all.  Random thoughts.  

As always, guard your hearts, my friends -M 

Photo credit: pixabay
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