Mad?

No, I'm not mad. 

I'm too busy being thankful that God saved me from a life of chaos and lunacy and trying too hard and always failing to be mad.  Too busy finally finding out who I am - and that I actually like me- to be mad.

Too busy living life and smiling and finding what it means to be fully authentic. Too busy working hard and sleeping well and having energy and simply being to be mad.

Mad is what you tell other people so I'll look like the bad guy. 

Okay, I'll be the bad guy.  Mad. Unforgiving. Unreasonable. Cold. Uncaring.  And all of the other things you can say about me. 

It's clearly my fault. It always has been, right?

And I'm completely okay with that. You see, your opinion of me does not define me.  What your neighbors and family think about me doesn't bother me.  Man's assessment of me doesn't determine my value. Gossip and rumors and messages sent from "concerned" others have no bearing on the course of my life.

I walk in freedom with an Audience of One.

Go on, say what you say.  

I know I am free.

Photo credit: Pixabay as usual
Blog topic credit: Jesus, my life, done been healed from codependency

What if this isn't the end of the world?
What if I am in the process of moving even closer to who I am meant to be?
What if things really do work out for the good?
What if there is a beautiful lesson here?
What if fiery trials actually refine souls?
What if I can and will get over this?
What if this is actually making me stronger?
What if my brain is lying to me when it says, "You can't survive this"?
What if there is a bigger picture and things I just don't know yet?
What if there really is beauty for ashes?
What if I believe that God is Who He says He is?
What if it really does take longer for the heart to understand what the head already knows?
What if I'm going to look back on this in 5 years and laugh?
What if this is actually saving me from something far worse?
What if I will help someone one day because I have walked this road?

Give yourself permission to consider the "what ifs," my friends. What if hope is waiting in the midst? Be healed.  Be loved.  You are loved, Beloved.

photo credit: pixabay

Healing is a funny thing.  Not funny ha-ha, but funny weird.  You ride the roller coaster from hell, sit with your feelings, practice your healthy coping skills and work on creating your "cohesive narrative," whatever that is.

It sucks. 

Hard.

Then, one day it happens.

The beautiful, magnificient "ah!" Moment that appears as a thought or an insight... a lesson learned... a spark of joy amidst the sadness.  A ray of hope for the future.  This is typically what might be referred to as the Acceptance phase of the grieving process.

Granted, it's not a warm fuzzy "Gee, I'm glad that horrible thing happened in my life becuase now I'm ________ (stronger / have better boundaries/ more equipped to help others...)" feeling.

No.  It's more like, "Gee, that horrible thing happened in my life and it almost took me out.  I have scars to prove it.  [Yes, the emotional ones count- maybe more so.] But in surviving ____________ (here's where you put in your terrible life event), I discovered that ______________ (here's where you get to celebrate your victory/ lesson / newfound strength/ etc.)!"

It's a "beauty for ashes" thing.  That sounds really nice in a blog, or on a card, or as a meme, but the reality of "beauty for ashes" involves an inferno- a hell of some sort- that we survied in order to receive the beauty.

That part isn't so much fun.  I get it. (sigh)

Yes, life is filled with heartache and trails.  But, it is also filled with healing, hope and joy.  Sometimes we have to sift through the charred debris to that happy stuff... to find meaning in our suffering... to give purpose to our pain. 

But finding the treasure is worth it.

By now, you know I am a bit of a snail when it comes to healing.  I'm not sure if it's an INFJ thing or an HSP thing.  Wait, is "INFJ" really that different from "HSP"?  Probably not.

Anyway, I do take my time in grieving.  I won't say it's "a long time" because everyone grieves and heals at their own pace.  It's a unique- dare I say lonely?- process. And, my time is my time.

But, when I'm done, I'm done. 
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How about you?  Have you discovered the hidden gems of pain and sorrow?  Have you found a renewed ability to persevere? A tenderness or insight for helping the broken? 

I hope you have.  If you have not, remember: you have not yet.  Keep searching.  Keep healing. Those gems are there.

We are in this human thing together, my friends! Much love.

Photo credit: http://www.powerpackedpromises.com